It's weird that I'm an adult.
It's like I've been an adult for awhile now. I think I was aware of it, but it's one of those things you don't really notice until you are in a store with spit-up on your shirt, scolding a child for hitting his brother, and just letting your toddler scream her brains out, and you just don't really care that everyone else is looking at you funny. It's like "uh-oh" what did I get myself into?!
So, like I was saying, being an adult is weird.
I can still remember all the crazy and foolish things I once did as a child. The dangerous, no-thought, naivety that once ruled my life. I remember jumping off the roof, or playing in the muddy pond without mom knowing like it was yesterday. Every once in a while when I actually get a moment of peace and quiet, who am I kidding, in the middle of the chaos that I call "normal" I giggle to myself and think, "I used to do that too..." But now that I am the adult, on the out-skirts, an out-sider I watch trying not to interrupt my sweet, rambunctious children at play. And then I think, being an adult is weird. (Amazing, rewarding, fulfilling, stressful, and chaotic but weird.)
It's been a long time since we've all been in one place. My immediate family, I mean. Now we are married with families, and different ideas on top of that. Finally, all my siblings are officially moved home on this tiny, little island and what feels like arms length from one another you would think all we would want to do is be together, to reminisce and enjoy some of the similar activities with our children that seemed to have shaped our childhood. But oddly enough, that's not the case. Don't get me wrong, I think we enjoy getting the cousins together, but it seems like we can only handle so long together before enough is enough!
And yet there is something so comforting and appealing about innocence and your adolescence. It's so carefree. Free of worry, judgement, hate and most importantly time. Sometimes I really find myself longing for relationships that I once had. But I know that it just can't be. It can't be because I'm an adult! Because my days are filled with laundry, school lunches, soccer, piano and whatever else my kiddos do. And unfortunately, my world is a little more jaded and I'm a little more judgmental. Where the world has made me tough it has also somehow stripped some compassion and unconditional love that was once a familiar characteristic. I wish I too was like a child with the ability to bounce back after anything, to fight and hate and then immediately forgive and love again. I look at my relationships with my siblings and I am sad. We are adults. We are different personalities with very different opinions and beliefs. Five children raised by the same two people and yet amazingly we are 100% completely different; and then throw in some spouses too. Phew!
Recently, I have been a little sad about our ability as a family to get together and just LOVE. There have been some broken relationships and some harder than others, and I have been pondering on this for quite sometime. Through the great counsel of my husband I am slowly learning how to LOVE everyone and to have no expectations. This simple sentence is anything but simple. It is extremely difficult to love others. And i think that it starts from within. I have diligently been working on loving myself unconditionally. Loving myself when I do stupid things, when even I am embarrassed of myself. Loving myself no matter what. Loving myself unconditionally the way I know and I have felt on multiple occasions that my Heavenly Father loves me. To be like that resilient child that loves unconditionally.
My heart has been full and heavy the last couple of days and I haven't really been able to put my finger on it. Sometimes life comes out of nowhere and gets me. But for the past few days I have been what my husband would describe as "grumpy". Today we were late for Church and missed the Sacrament. I even wanted to dig out a little early and go home. However, I stuck it out and I am so grateful that I did.
Today in Relief Society a special, older sister of whom I love, shared of her experience with her family and sisters this past week. Her once astranged family was reunited, and her story spoke straight to my heart and I couldn't hold anythng back; my heart and my eyes were full. Although the words seemed like they were only for me, it wasn't so much that our thoughts were on a similar path but that I received a direct revelation in my heart that I know that my Heavenly Father LOVES me! That he knows exactly who I am, my wants and my specific needs.
Every once in awhile my boys ask me how Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ can be watching them and yet be everywhere; their argument is that they can't see him! And what a great argument that is. The other day I heard Marcus tell Lohena that Heavenly Father is always in our hearts. (I just about melted) I know deep in my soul and my being that not only are Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ real and alive but that they know each and every one of us individually. They LOVE each and every one of us unconditionally when we don't feel we deserve it and when we aren't at our best.
Tonight as Cameron held Family Home Evening with out little, growing family, my heart was full of love and happiness. We watched a video on "Families Can Be together Forever" and as much as they can drive me crazy, I am so grateful to be sealed for all time and eternity to my special little family. To have them forever in this life and the next. I too am grateful that I am also sealed to my siblings, their children and my parents. I can only hope that like that sister who shared her story today, I can grow to be a loving and caring mother to my children. To be non-judgmental and open, to accept and love everyone unconditionally, and to love myself always.
To my children who continue to test my limits everyday, I love you always. To my husband, I cannot imagine my life with anyone else. It hasn't always been easy but completely worth it. I am so happy and grateful and because I don't say it enough, I didn't want to forget the feelings that humbled me and softened my heart this evening.
